Car journeys

We love each other and life is good but there are times when we see too much of each other.

Like on car journeys.

We have done 4 or 5 trips of 3-4 hours and this is a snapshot. Names are withheld to protect the guilty though you’ll soon guess the protagonists.

The cast

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Right guys we have 3 hours in the car, everyone happy?

I need the loo.

We’ve only just left for god’s sake – didn’t we remind you to go 5 minutes ago?

I didn’t need the loo then but I need it now.

And don’t use God’s name like that, I know you don’t believe in God but I do.

We’re not stopping we’ve only just started.

But I’m desperate.

That’s not possible, you can’t go from not needing the loo to desperate in 5 minutes, the body doesn’t work like that.

But my body is very efficient.

We’re not stopping….

Good use of the word efficient darling.

….you’ll have to control yourself.

Fine, I’ll just wee myself.

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How long have we been driving?

About half an hour.

How long is that?

If there are 60 minutes in an hour, how long is half an hour?

We don’t want to do maths, how long have we been driving?

6 divided by 2 is 3 so its 30 minutes.

How long is that?

Half an hour.

Very funny, how long is 30 minutes?

30 lots of one minute.

Fine. (Starts counting 1 to 60 out loud).

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What shall we listen to?

Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift.

What shall we listen to…. apart from Taylor Swift?

[Silence]

What about Hamilton?

No, that’s so boring.

Boring adult music, all that shouting.

So that’s settled, let’s listen to the whole double album then we can appreciate the whole story.

Yes, come on, it’s just such an amazing piece of music. It is poetry.

Is Hamilton alive?

No, this happened 3 or 4 hundred years ago.

So he’s dead.

If he’s alive he’s going to be quite old.

Shut up! You’re not funny.

What’s it about?

It’s about this guy who help to found America and he died in a gun battle.

So he was a bad man if he died with guns.

Well, he was mostly a good man, but a little flawed.

What do you mean floor’d? He liked floors?

No, flawed means he wasn’t perfect, he was human.

So its okay to be bad at times and use guns?

Er, not quite. It’s okay to make mistakes but try to avoid guns.

But you get annoyed when I make mistakes in maths.

No I don’t…

..Ohmygod yes you do.

Hamilton’s dead. Why make a show about him now?

Good question – someone just thought it was a good story.

But how do they know the story if he’s 300 years old?

(Turns music up.)

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Filthy

[Sat nav strats taking us on a very long-winded route]

I think the sat nav is bust, can you look it up on my phone.

I don’t have your phone.

Here you go.

(Chorus of 3 people) Don’t use your phone while driving.

I’m just giving it to you. (hands over phone)

When we were learning about pot-bellied pigs, does that mean they’ve eaten a pot?

Where are we? Do I go left or straight ahead?

Are the pigs fat or just built that way?

CAN YOU SHUT UP, I’M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE WE ARE

I can’t work your phone.

It’s just google maps, you know that.

Why do you get so stressed? We’re just driving.

Yes, driving a tonne of metal in a strange country and I can’t concentrate with talk of pigs and pots.

Left or straight Luce, that guy’s beeping at me.

Straight.

Are you sure?

How many people live in Los Angeles?

No, I’m not bloody sure, why ask me, I don’t know.

But you’ve got my phone.

Which says to go right, not left or straight.

So why did you say straight? I can’t go right, its 1-way.

I can’t help you then. (Puts phone down)

Are there more people in Los Angeles or Tokyo?

Let’s have a competition, who gets more stressed, Mum or Dad?

What a bloody stupid idea.

(Silence for 5 minutes)

Why do you get so stressed? And how many houses are there in Los Angeles?

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Oh my god what’s that smell?

It must be Cesca.

It’s Lola.

It’s not me.

Or me.

Or me.

Or me.

It’s the country, it must be the fields.

And we’re in a city, what fields?

But the windows are all shut. How does the smell get in?

You’re covering up for her.

No he’s not.

Er, through the air conditioning.

I think you’re lying, perhaps that smell is you.

I’m not sure I’m the one with the track record of smells like that.

Stop picking on me.

I like the smell anyway.

No you don’t, you’re just saying that.

If I love you I can love the smell, think about it.

(Thoughtful silence for 10 minutes).

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Let’s play a game.

(Chorus) Nooo that’s so boring.

What about animal vegetable mineral?

(No answer)

Okay, let’s play, ask me 20 questions.

Are you an animal?

No.

A mineral?

Yes.

Can we eat you?

(Hits head on dashboard)

Er, not really, you can’t eat minerals, haven’t we played this before?

It’s so boring we forgot it.

Can we listen to Taylor Swift?

We all love Taylor Swift but don’t you think we’ve listened to her enough in the past 3 years?

No.

No. (Starts singing Blank Space).

Why can’t we watch a movie on the iPad?

We forgot to download one.

You said you’d download one.

I forgot…

Typical.

Typical. That was your only job to do.

Oh come on, don’t you think these palm trees are beautiful. Isn’t Costa Rica amazing, aren’t we lucky to be here?

You say that every day.

I feel sick.

Okay, let’s play 20 questions with famous people. Who am I?

Are you a woman?

Yes.

Are you human?

If I’m a woman then I’m a human aren’t I?

Are you American?

No.

Are you Emma Watson?

Don’t you think it’s a bit early to dive in with a guess.

No, I like Emma Watson.

I feel sick.

How long have we been driving?

You never said how many houses there are in Los Angeles.